Really Exciting Things

I've known for a while that I want to travel this summer and fall. I've had a bunch of relatively vague ideas about what I would be doing, but I've recently come to more solid conclusions. I'm really excited about some of the things I'm planning on doing, and wanted to share them on here.

I'll be finished with classes at BGSU on May 10th. The only other dire scholarly obligation I have after that is a choir concert on the 17th. Public school (choir) continues until sometime in early June, but I was really only attending so I could utilize the PSEOP program (the one allowing me to enroll in college courses through the wallet of the public school/government). With the concert over, it seems it will be mostly mundane activities, including preparations for the next school year, which I do not plan on being involved in. So, I'll be taking an early leave of absence, beginning the day or so after the concert. The not-so-solid idea that still needs to be worked out is: I drive with my mother to Chicago and stay there for a couple of days. My mother stays, while I board a train destined for Eugene, Oregon. I arrive in Oregon on May 23rd, just in time for the beginning of a month long permaculture design course at the Lost Valley Educational Center. The course sounds really awesome, plus they provide shelter and food for the whole month, included within the tuition fee (the fee would be really outrageous if they didn't). The final day is June 24th. If I'm not too tired of Oregon by then, I want to stay for a while in a small community residing in tipis. They sound really, really awesome and embrace many of the same ideas and ethics that I do. I've sent an email off to them today, but am unsure of when they will be able to respond (no wifi in the tipi?!). I would hope to stay there for at least three weeks, bringing me home sometime mid-July.

Nothing planned as of yet between arriving home and the Northeast Unschooling Conference in late August. The conference is in MA, near Boston. It's only a few days long, so Mom wants to stay and explore Boston and the surrounding area for a couple of additional days. Sounds good to me. I might visit an intentional community during my time at home and/or make another visit to Chicago. Maybe I could even stay in Chicago a couple of days on my way home from Oregon. Very exciting.

Another gap filled with Chicago and/or an intentional community, follow by Not Back to School Camp, which is, I believe, the last week of September. I was warned that I might be too late to apply last week, but received notification this weekend that I had been accepted! Especially since I was expecting to not get in, I am very, very pleased about this.

Another gap. October is my birthday though, so I am assuming I will have some familial obligations to eat food and receive presents. It also might be wise to schedule breaks in between to come home and spend time with family and kitties and Sunny.

Hopefully, November will be filled completely with the NaNoWriMo unschooler writing retreat in Durango, Colorado. They start conducting phone interviews of applicants in the next couple of weeks, which I am a little bit nervous about. It's alright though. The retreat would take the entire month. Plus, I might visit family in Arizona while in that part of the country. Not really sure.




Other things going on:
I spent a long weekend in Chicago. I am pleasantly surprised at how well everything went and how much I opened up with people. I always enjoy my time there, but it seems to get better every time.
Choir concert tomorrow night. I have the "Loch Lomond" solo, and am getting really, very nervous.
Trying to help Grandma clean and organize her house and basement. The basement must be cleaned in preparation for removal of massive, honking, colossal freezer being hauled away.
Women's Studies make-up exam Thursday afternoon.
My last blacksmithing class on Sunday. I've also just been informed that my teacher's contract at the museum isn't going to be renewed. Not pleased. Writing a letter of complaint.
A few, full-day blacksmithing classes at the historic Sauder's Village.
My dad is getting married.
Being involved in some classes for younger members of Terra Incognita in Chicago.
Being obsessed with Harry Potter.


That's all I can think of right now.
Aubrey

Results: A Day Without Lists

Warning: this post might be kind of boring...



I braved the world yesterday without a to-do list.

Things went pretty well.
I'm not sure if I got more done or not, but I did have a more enjoyable day than usual. There might have been other contributing factors to that though. All of my classes were cancelled yesterday, and I hung out with friends in the evening. My classes are not necessarily unenjoyable, they just sometimes intrude into my day. I might be getting really into something and getting a lot accomplished or just be having a good time, and then have to drop whatever it is I'm doing to drive to class and be taught. Not really conducive to "flow."

Anyway, yesterday, I accomplished a pretty standard amount of things. I did the stuff that just needs to be done, but also a lot of noninstrumental things. What's more, I excelled at the noninstrumental things and created new records for myself. The same thing happened today (no to-do list again!).

This might not be a really accurate depiction of my day yesterday because things tend to be forgotten during sleep, but here it goes:
I woke up fifteen minutes earlier than usual. Not sure why.
I got stuff together to make an omelet and began making it, while my mother finished.
I checked emails. More in-depth than usual. On the newsletters I get, I clicked more links and read more.
I fed the cats and played with them a little while. Then proceeded to scoop their poop.
I played my vocabulary game, and set a record score for myself (something like 2870?).* The game was also more enjoyable and I found myself coming up with words I've never thought of using before.
I practiced with my devil's sticks. Kind of like juggling. I set a new record of flips performed consecutively: 16.**
I finished reading my book, "Drive" by Daniel H. Pink.
I read and made flashcards for 3 pages in my geography text book.
I went for a longer-than-usual walk.
I stopped by my step-mom's house and chatted with her for awhile.
I made a blog post.
I did my 15 minutes of yoga. I did it in the morning, whereas I usually wait until late at night and then get made at myself and struggle to begin. Morning is a lot better.
I went through some old clothes, tried things on, and rid myself of four shirts and a dress.
I researched some intentional communities and sent off an email to one that I might want to visit this summer.
I made a super delicious swiss cheese veggie sandwich and promtly devoured it.
I played with Sunny (beautiful doggie) for a while.
I got really pumped up about going to see Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows for free at the Student Union with my friend.
I repeatedly called the Student Union, getting the answering service everytime because they closed all day due to weather.
I instead went to my friend's house to have a Harry Potter maraton.
I took roads I've never taken in order to find her house.
We ate food, chatted, watched the first Harry Potter and part of the fourth, treated the bite on my finger from her vicous dog.
I organized some of her kitchen counter tops and alphabetized her DVDS. (I can't help it.)

That's probably not a totally comprehensive list of my day, but it's all I can muster currently.
There were a few things that I didn't get done. I don't know if this really had anything to do with not having a list, or more to do with time constraints.

Some things I didn't do:
Wash dishes
Read more for geography
Finish my food log

Those are pretty standard things that I sometimes fail to do. I'm not used to washing dishes because my mom usually does it. She can't stand or walk much lately though, so the duty has been transferred to me. I got them all done this morning.
Reading for geography is oftentimes a struggle. So, not really suprising.
I didn't do a food log for the evening and nighttime hours for which I was at someone else's house. Oops.

All in all, I think this experiment went really well! I think it would behoove me to continue without lists for a week or so and see where I end up. I might end up just doing it for the more mundane tasks, but I think I run the risk of making lists for everything again if I start it up at all. It will be interesting to explore.

Before I leave, I want to talk more about why making lists is such a big deal. You might be thinking that I'm taking the fact that I make lots of lists way out of porportion. Maybe you're right.
But I think my need for list makings stems from a couple of issues, including inadequacy and a search for external validation. There's kind of a feeling that I'm not doing enough. That somehow I'm falling behind and falling short. A portion of this feeling is alleviated by putting everything I do down on paper and crossing things out as I accomplish them (Look how much I've done!). This is an issue because I've become incapable of seeing my accomplishments for myself, always looking towards a list or another person for validation. I don't know if that makes sense or not.
Another issue inherent in my list making is that my life becomes a race to see how many things I can cross off. Things cease to be enjoyable, and instead run the risk of becoming mundane tasks that just need to be done. It's like I compartmentalize the joy out of my life.
That's all I have for now.


Aubrey




*Today, while playing that game again, I set a new record of 3180!
**Practicing with my devil's sticks this morning, I beat that by a long shot. New record: 33.

A Day Without a List: An Experiment

I have a tendency to make a lot of lists. In a lot of ways, lists are reasonable, practical, helpful, and encouraging. They carefully outline what I need to do, create, purchase, and accomplish, usually within the time constraint of one day (e.g. a  to-do list created on Thursday should have all of the tasks completed by the end of Thursday). Lists are a resource you can refer to so you can be sure everything is accomplished and not forgotten. They also seem to take a lot of joy out of every day tasks.

Bear with me.
A kind of ironic story:
I picked up a book titled, 'Drive: The Surprising Truth about what Motivates Us," by Daniel H. Pink. The foundation of the book is that a person's main motivator should be internal, rather than external. That is, a person will produce more work of value and do more spectacular things if the root of whatever they do is curiosity, a quest for mastery, and autonomy, as opposed to the carrots and sticks approach so often implemented by parents, teachers, and employers. It's actually a really good book to introduce people to unschooling because it makes you think in an unschooling way without actually talking about unschooling directly.
Anyway, so as this book is making the case that I would accomplish more if I did things in the quest for autonomy, mastery, enjoyment, and curiosity, instead of external indicators of my accomplishments, I've been relying more and more upon daily to-do lists. I really like the feeling I get when I cross something out. It's just very satisfying to check something off, to say I completed a task. I don't just make them for things like scooping cat poo and daily exercise, but for more creative tasks as well: reading for pleasure, reading Tarot cards, playing vocabulary games, etc. I didn't write down a lot of those things in the past, but I added them recently because I figured that it would make me feel better if I got that feeling of satisfaction with things I would do anyway. But then something weird happened. Something I never suspected would occur, even though it's precisely the content of the book I've been reading for the past week:

Several tasks became significantly less enjoyable and slightly stressful. Reading went by slower and I found myself not absorbing information as well, while I found myself performing less creatively and getting lower scores on my vocabulary game.*

So. Last night, as I sat down to make my to-do list for today, I stopped. I'm going to try to go a day with out a to-do list, even for things like scooping poo and daily exercise (shouldn't your exercise of choice be enjoyable anyway?). I'm going to see how it goes. I'm curious to see if I will get anything less accomplished, or if there will simply be more joy within the tasks I do complete.

I'm also going to complete a task suggested by the book. Recording all "noninstrumental tasks," ie: tasks I do for my own enjoyment, rather than work that just needs to be done.
Except I just realized I can't do that today because it is a list. Awkward.






*The vocabulary game is really, really cool. There are three rounds, each with a different prefix. So, round one, you might get "uni", round two you might get "pic", and round three you might get "dis." Your task is to come up with as many words as possible within the minute or so allotted.

Fear: An Interesting Discovery

A lot of the fear I have surrounds interaction with other humans. Other humans can be very intimidating, especially if you spend a hefty portion of your waking hours thinking about how terrible and unskilled you are and how wonderful and skilled everyone else must be. Talking to other people becomes a horrible and daunting task that will inevitably end in spiritual turmoil.

Here is the equation:
Stupidity (me) + Excellence (you) + Desire for conversation (mostly you) = Spiritual turmoil (me) + Disgust (you)

But maybe not. And here comes the discovery: A lot of people are completely content to talk mainly about themselves and their own experiences. There is a good chance they just want you along to listen and provide some occasional input. This relieves a lot of the pressure I have associated with social interaction.

Now the equation reads more like this:
Me + You + You wanting to talk about yourself = An excellent outlet for your rants and expression


Interesting stuff.
However, an issue that this discovery does not address is interaction with shy people, who oftentimes appear more interesting than the more extroverted type. Not necessarily because they are more interesting, but because there's mystery. For example, if I'm chatting with you (extroverted type), I know the things on your mind are: the delights of pistachios, going to your boyfriend's house, and how dumb that professor is.
If I've never heard you speak in my life, you could be thinking about any number of things: how wonderful and beautiful you think I am, the negative effects civilization has upon everyone involved, the kayaking trip you might be planning, when you're going to begin the next novel you want to write, etc.
Although I must admit that pistachios really are delightful, which sounds more interesting to you?
That's right.

As a side note, another method for dealing with fear:
Imagining your audience as fluffy cats. I auditioned for a solo in choir last week, and I was about to panic a little bit, and there was way to many people for me to imagine them all in underwear, so I just imagined them all as my cat, Stuckwell.

Stuckwell!

This is much easier and requires less mental exertion than the underwear trick, because all I have to do is imagine Stuckwell once and then replicate that image 75 times. And really, when your cat is that cute, you should WANT to replicate them that many times. But only in your head. Vet bills might skyrocket otherwise.

Solo and Ensemble or Fear, Part Four

Relatively early this morning, I participated in the Solo and Ensemble competition for all of Northwest Ohio. Solo and ensemble is a musical (both instrumental and vocal) competition for middle school and high school students interested in preparing a song and then performing it as a solo or within an ensemble in front of a judge professionally trained in music who will then give you a rating based on a scale of 1-5 and a sheet of paper containing their comments and criticisms. 1 is the best, 5 is the worst. I go in every year expecting a 1. If I did not consistently get 1s, I would probably not participate. Practicing your butt off to perform a song in front of a judge who will stare at you analytically for four minutes while you attempt to showcase your talents in a small room filled with other people who you may or may not know and then to be given a rating that is supposedly representative of your skill and a sheet of paper critiquing the hell out of everything you just did seems like an incredibly stressful experience to go through if you are not going to have your talent *validated* at the end of it.

Perhaps this is another manifestation of seeking external validation to fill a void that my lack of self-confidence creates. Probably. However, I'm going to make a slightly less introspective post because I would like to talk about a kind of silly piece of advice given to people who are fearful of speaking/performing in front of others: imagining them in their underwear. It really works! Before I go on with my story, let me just say that this judge reminded me of Professor Umbridge from Harry Potter. The really sadistic woman in pink tweed outfits. Although I doubt she was actually a cruel magic professor who tortures students, she had the same face and hair and she was wearing a pink Umbridge outfit, minus the cape. She also had a really unsettling way of staring at you in a way that suggested her smile was not genuine. If you've seen Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, you know what I mean. So, having her stare at me while I sang = stressful experience. I became really stressed part way through the song and I started going flat and loosing breath support. I began to wonder what the hell I was going to do for the last half of the song. And then I did something I've never done before because I thought it was the most ridiculous and unhelpful thing you could possibly offer to a person about to vomit in front of a crowd of 30 people intently watching them: that's right! I imagined the judge (aka Umbridge) in her underwear. I didn't even have time to imagine any details. Just the mental image of her sitting there in satiny pink underthings for one second was enough to get me going again. I smiled a little bit and moved on. Voila!

I'm really pleased with my ability to solve the problem and compose myself enough to finish the song. I even got a 1. I'm not sure if I would have been able to handle such a situation so practically a year ago, so I just wanted to have an illustration of my improvement. That's all.

Aubrey

Fear, Three

I'm going to attempt to chronicle my daily interactions with fear on this blog. I might not have time to post every day, but, time permitting the next day, I will try to smoosh multiple days into one posts. I'm going to record the trouble I had with fear on a given day, analyze it, and present an alternative.

Last night, I had my Women's Studies class. In class, I didn't answer or ask any questions. I didn't make any observations. I didn't talk once. Period. Even if I knew an answer or had valuable insight. Every time I thought about saying something, a fear overcame me that said I had better not do that because I would be wrong and everyone would think I was stupid and my face would get red and I would talk really fast and mess words up because that's what I do sometimes when I'm nervous and then everybody would think I was weird. Because I don't contribute during the class and I don't talk to people before or after class, I feel like this big, ugly lump that just sits on the side of the room being useless. This makes things even worse.

When I got home, I read some posts from the class discussion board and read some emails from the professor. The professor sent emails that she felt would help prepare us for the exam on Thursday. She included some questions posted by students on the discussion board. She did not include any of mine. She responded to one student on discussion board to say that the poster had critical insight, the kind that teachers seek in their students and people seek in themselves. She responded to a couple others to say they had good points she thought they should bring up in class. She did not respond to my posts.

Tomorrow, I have an exam in this class. I'm terrified that I will not have adequate information. I'm terrified that my teacher will think I'm dumb if I get things wrong. I'm terrified that I am one of the only people in the class who doesn't talk to other people. When everyone else chats about the exam and what they thought of it, I will awkwardly bundle up and shuffle out of the room alone.


Sometimes I realize that my fears are irrational and that I jump to incorrect conclusions based on little and/or faulty evidence. In this case, I don't. It seems perfectly reasonable to deduce the things I deduced from the information given. However, for the time being, I'm going to try and assume that all of the negative thoughts I have about myself are incorrect. For that purpose, I'm going to rewrite the above story with the same events taking place, but from a different perspective.

1. The perspective of myself as a moderately confident individual who does not make irrational conclusions about everyone hating her
 Last night, I had my Women's Studies class. I didn't answer or ask any questions for a couple of reasons. Not only was my mind preoccupied with other things, but the conversation seemed inconsequential and didn't seem to contain any really pivotal information. Sometimes I knew answers to questions, and sometimes they were even interesting questions, but I guess I just wasn't in the mood to answer. Sometimes I get shy. I've talked in this class before and brought up good points during class and on discussion board, so I don't think my lack of participation one evening will be of consequence. I haven't really chatted with anyone in the class. I think this has to do with a lot of people already knowing each other and having the fact that they've all attended college for a couple of years in common. There are some seemingly interesting people in the class though, and I think I'll give talking to them a try next week.

When I got home from class, I checked my emails and the class discussion board. The professor had sent emails containing some student posted questions from discussion board. None of my questions were included. There could be multiple reasons behind this. Maybe she missed mine. Maybe she was only sending a couple and didn't have space for mine. Maybe she just doesn't realize how truly spectacular my questions really were. She also didn't comment on any of my questions. The same possibilities apply.

We have an exam tomorrow. I haven't studied much because I'm confident that I know the information necessary to pass. I'm beginning to worry that not studying was a horrible idea, but I have all day tomorrow, so I'm not terribly concerned. All of the exam questions are opinion based. As long as I can back them up with facts, which I'm sure I'll be able to do, I'll be fine. Even if I don't receive a satisfactory grade, that doesn't make me any less of an individual. Besides, there are two more exams for this course, plus weekly assignments, class attendance and participation grades, and extra credit to give my grade a boost if my performance is less than desirable.

Although I had some trouble with being feaful today, I am very tired and need to go to bed. I will try to post about it tomorrow, but if I don't have time, I'll simply skip a day and move on.

Until next time,
Aubrey

Fear, Continued

I think I'm going to make a series of posts based on "The Fear Book: Facing Fear Once and For All" by Cheri Huber. I know it sounds like a silly self-help book that is probably saturated in unhelpful generalizations and a desire for a "perfect" life where you get to make lots of money and date attractive people, but it's not. I've read it before, and I love it. However, last time I read it, I zipped through it and didn't do any of the "assignments" it suggested. I'm going to do them this time and record them in this blog. I'll also share some of my favorite quotes. Lucky you!

This is on page one and two, in a sloppy 16pt font (used throughout the book), and I think it gives a good representation of what the book aims to do:

" In the process presented here for dealing with fear, fear is the hunted, not the hunter. Fear is the quarry you must stalk and confront and unmask, to reveal to yourself that all that separates you from yourself is an illusion...
Fear is not who you are underneath your facade. Fear is not the real you that you must somehow fix or improve or overcome.
Fear is a very useful signal along the path to freedom. The stronger the fear, the closer you are to what you are seeking. If you want to stay "safe" (i.e. stuck where you are), fear tells you to stop what you are doing. But if you want to be free, fear lets you know you are on the right track, it is a signal to push ahead in the same direction, to pick up the pace."

To me, those words are very inspiring. I think a lot of people internalize their fear and begin to identify with it, rather than who they really are. This makes any battle against your fear extremely painful because it becomes a battle against yourself. In me, this can lead to feeling very depressed and hateful towards myself, which is probably not healthy.

.....
On page 8, the author requests that I make a list of all of the things I used to enjoy, but no longer do because they are too scary. This might be similar to my previous list in a lot ways, but, nevertheless, I think it will be helpful
The list:
Chatting with people I don't know
Swimming
Dancing
Chatting with men
Chatting with men I am attracted to
Having serious discussions with people I do not seriously trust
Having discussions with more than one or two people at a time
Voicing opinions and ideas
Trying new things (to some extent)
Doing things by myself
Going to parties
There are also situations that I haven't tried, but have similar qualities to the above situations, and so I am too afraid to try them, such as:

Travel
Going to meetings and classes and workshops

Actually, that's all I can think of right now. I'm sure there's more, but I'm also sure they'll come up later anyway.

Until next time,
Aubrey

Fear

A handful or so of days ago I created a list of things I fear. I thought of some additional things, and discovered something new: tests. Quizzes, tests, pop quizzes, pop tests, anything of the nature. In this particular instance, I got myself terrified and worked up before and after a pop quiz. The fear that came beforehand manifested itself by an increase in heart rate and body temperature and little finnicky questions like, "Did I read the material thoroughly," "Do I know how to spell this and word that," "What if I completely ruin everything and my teacher thinks I'm a complete and utter idiot?" Throughout the quiz (one essay question), I stressed over whether or not I was wording things correctly, whether or not I was providing enough examples and information, and whether or not I was answering the question to satisfaction. In the hours and days after the quiz, as I awaited the next class and the quiz results, I beat myself up a lot because I didn't think I answered the question adequately. I thought I sounded like a complete idiot, made a really bold statement about something being heretical and didn't back it up, and that my teacher was going to loose any of the small amount of respect he had for me and begin to think that I was the most horrible and repulsive person he had ever had the displeasure of teaching.

It turns out I was wrong. I got an A. But because of this intense fear of being considered stupid, I debilitated myself for almost an entire weekend. Although I feel kind of awkward admitting this, I cried multiple times because I was so afraid and so disgusted with myself. I cried when I boiled lasagna noodles and they broke because not only had I failed this stupidly easy quiz, but now I couldn't even boil noodles! Could I do anything right? Did everybody think I was an idiot? 

How do I deal with this problem? If I get enough A's, will my insecurity suddenly disappear? At 5 As, will I begin to respect myself as a human being? At 15, will I develop self-confidence and be brave enough to answer more questions in class? At 30, will all negative self-images evaporate completely? No. Probably not. I think the problem has nothing to do with how well I do in school. It has more to do with not valuing myself as an individual and always looking for external validation for things I do, say, and think. Until I can become more comfortable with myself, my beliefs, values, lifestyle, choices, and actions, I'm always going to be hanging on to whatever somebody in a position of authority has to say about me.

But, it really doesn't matter what my geography teacher thinks about me. If I had received a D on the quiz, it wouldn't have made me any less intelligent. It wouldn't have made me any less of a person. It would not have adversely effected my ability to cook noodles. I still would have been Aubrey, and I still would have been the greatest person you will EVER meet. (Not believing this quite yet, but working on it.)