Fear

A handful or so of days ago I created a list of things I fear. I thought of some additional things, and discovered something new: tests. Quizzes, tests, pop quizzes, pop tests, anything of the nature. In this particular instance, I got myself terrified and worked up before and after a pop quiz. The fear that came beforehand manifested itself by an increase in heart rate and body temperature and little finnicky questions like, "Did I read the material thoroughly," "Do I know how to spell this and word that," "What if I completely ruin everything and my teacher thinks I'm a complete and utter idiot?" Throughout the quiz (one essay question), I stressed over whether or not I was wording things correctly, whether or not I was providing enough examples and information, and whether or not I was answering the question to satisfaction. In the hours and days after the quiz, as I awaited the next class and the quiz results, I beat myself up a lot because I didn't think I answered the question adequately. I thought I sounded like a complete idiot, made a really bold statement about something being heretical and didn't back it up, and that my teacher was going to loose any of the small amount of respect he had for me and begin to think that I was the most horrible and repulsive person he had ever had the displeasure of teaching.

It turns out I was wrong. I got an A. But because of this intense fear of being considered stupid, I debilitated myself for almost an entire weekend. Although I feel kind of awkward admitting this, I cried multiple times because I was so afraid and so disgusted with myself. I cried when I boiled lasagna noodles and they broke because not only had I failed this stupidly easy quiz, but now I couldn't even boil noodles! Could I do anything right? Did everybody think I was an idiot? 

How do I deal with this problem? If I get enough A's, will my insecurity suddenly disappear? At 5 As, will I begin to respect myself as a human being? At 15, will I develop self-confidence and be brave enough to answer more questions in class? At 30, will all negative self-images evaporate completely? No. Probably not. I think the problem has nothing to do with how well I do in school. It has more to do with not valuing myself as an individual and always looking for external validation for things I do, say, and think. Until I can become more comfortable with myself, my beliefs, values, lifestyle, choices, and actions, I'm always going to be hanging on to whatever somebody in a position of authority has to say about me.

But, it really doesn't matter what my geography teacher thinks about me. If I had received a D on the quiz, it wouldn't have made me any less intelligent. It wouldn't have made me any less of a person. It would not have adversely effected my ability to cook noodles. I still would have been Aubrey, and I still would have been the greatest person you will EVER meet. (Not believing this quite yet, but working on it.)