Really Exciting Things

I've known for a while that I want to travel this summer and fall. I've had a bunch of relatively vague ideas about what I would be doing, but I've recently come to more solid conclusions. I'm really excited about some of the things I'm planning on doing, and wanted to share them on here.

I'll be finished with classes at BGSU on May 10th. The only other dire scholarly obligation I have after that is a choir concert on the 17th. Public school (choir) continues until sometime in early June, but I was really only attending so I could utilize the PSEOP program (the one allowing me to enroll in college courses through the wallet of the public school/government). With the concert over, it seems it will be mostly mundane activities, including preparations for the next school year, which I do not plan on being involved in. So, I'll be taking an early leave of absence, beginning the day or so after the concert. The not-so-solid idea that still needs to be worked out is: I drive with my mother to Chicago and stay there for a couple of days. My mother stays, while I board a train destined for Eugene, Oregon. I arrive in Oregon on May 23rd, just in time for the beginning of a month long permaculture design course at the Lost Valley Educational Center. The course sounds really awesome, plus they provide shelter and food for the whole month, included within the tuition fee (the fee would be really outrageous if they didn't). The final day is June 24th. If I'm not too tired of Oregon by then, I want to stay for a while in a small community residing in tipis. They sound really, really awesome and embrace many of the same ideas and ethics that I do. I've sent an email off to them today, but am unsure of when they will be able to respond (no wifi in the tipi?!). I would hope to stay there for at least three weeks, bringing me home sometime mid-July.

Nothing planned as of yet between arriving home and the Northeast Unschooling Conference in late August. The conference is in MA, near Boston. It's only a few days long, so Mom wants to stay and explore Boston and the surrounding area for a couple of additional days. Sounds good to me. I might visit an intentional community during my time at home and/or make another visit to Chicago. Maybe I could even stay in Chicago a couple of days on my way home from Oregon. Very exciting.

Another gap filled with Chicago and/or an intentional community, follow by Not Back to School Camp, which is, I believe, the last week of September. I was warned that I might be too late to apply last week, but received notification this weekend that I had been accepted! Especially since I was expecting to not get in, I am very, very pleased about this.

Another gap. October is my birthday though, so I am assuming I will have some familial obligations to eat food and receive presents. It also might be wise to schedule breaks in between to come home and spend time with family and kitties and Sunny.

Hopefully, November will be filled completely with the NaNoWriMo unschooler writing retreat in Durango, Colorado. They start conducting phone interviews of applicants in the next couple of weeks, which I am a little bit nervous about. It's alright though. The retreat would take the entire month. Plus, I might visit family in Arizona while in that part of the country. Not really sure.




Other things going on:
I spent a long weekend in Chicago. I am pleasantly surprised at how well everything went and how much I opened up with people. I always enjoy my time there, but it seems to get better every time.
Choir concert tomorrow night. I have the "Loch Lomond" solo, and am getting really, very nervous.
Trying to help Grandma clean and organize her house and basement. The basement must be cleaned in preparation for removal of massive, honking, colossal freezer being hauled away.
Women's Studies make-up exam Thursday afternoon.
My last blacksmithing class on Sunday. I've also just been informed that my teacher's contract at the museum isn't going to be renewed. Not pleased. Writing a letter of complaint.
A few, full-day blacksmithing classes at the historic Sauder's Village.
My dad is getting married.
Being involved in some classes for younger members of Terra Incognita in Chicago.
Being obsessed with Harry Potter.


That's all I can think of right now.
Aubrey

Results: A Day Without Lists

Warning: this post might be kind of boring...



I braved the world yesterday without a to-do list.

Things went pretty well.
I'm not sure if I got more done or not, but I did have a more enjoyable day than usual. There might have been other contributing factors to that though. All of my classes were cancelled yesterday, and I hung out with friends in the evening. My classes are not necessarily unenjoyable, they just sometimes intrude into my day. I might be getting really into something and getting a lot accomplished or just be having a good time, and then have to drop whatever it is I'm doing to drive to class and be taught. Not really conducive to "flow."

Anyway, yesterday, I accomplished a pretty standard amount of things. I did the stuff that just needs to be done, but also a lot of noninstrumental things. What's more, I excelled at the noninstrumental things and created new records for myself. The same thing happened today (no to-do list again!).

This might not be a really accurate depiction of my day yesterday because things tend to be forgotten during sleep, but here it goes:
I woke up fifteen minutes earlier than usual. Not sure why.
I got stuff together to make an omelet and began making it, while my mother finished.
I checked emails. More in-depth than usual. On the newsletters I get, I clicked more links and read more.
I fed the cats and played with them a little while. Then proceeded to scoop their poop.
I played my vocabulary game, and set a record score for myself (something like 2870?).* The game was also more enjoyable and I found myself coming up with words I've never thought of using before.
I practiced with my devil's sticks. Kind of like juggling. I set a new record of flips performed consecutively: 16.**
I finished reading my book, "Drive" by Daniel H. Pink.
I read and made flashcards for 3 pages in my geography text book.
I went for a longer-than-usual walk.
I stopped by my step-mom's house and chatted with her for awhile.
I made a blog post.
I did my 15 minutes of yoga. I did it in the morning, whereas I usually wait until late at night and then get made at myself and struggle to begin. Morning is a lot better.
I went through some old clothes, tried things on, and rid myself of four shirts and a dress.
I researched some intentional communities and sent off an email to one that I might want to visit this summer.
I made a super delicious swiss cheese veggie sandwich and promtly devoured it.
I played with Sunny (beautiful doggie) for a while.
I got really pumped up about going to see Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows for free at the Student Union with my friend.
I repeatedly called the Student Union, getting the answering service everytime because they closed all day due to weather.
I instead went to my friend's house to have a Harry Potter maraton.
I took roads I've never taken in order to find her house.
We ate food, chatted, watched the first Harry Potter and part of the fourth, treated the bite on my finger from her vicous dog.
I organized some of her kitchen counter tops and alphabetized her DVDS. (I can't help it.)

That's probably not a totally comprehensive list of my day, but it's all I can muster currently.
There were a few things that I didn't get done. I don't know if this really had anything to do with not having a list, or more to do with time constraints.

Some things I didn't do:
Wash dishes
Read more for geography
Finish my food log

Those are pretty standard things that I sometimes fail to do. I'm not used to washing dishes because my mom usually does it. She can't stand or walk much lately though, so the duty has been transferred to me. I got them all done this morning.
Reading for geography is oftentimes a struggle. So, not really suprising.
I didn't do a food log for the evening and nighttime hours for which I was at someone else's house. Oops.

All in all, I think this experiment went really well! I think it would behoove me to continue without lists for a week or so and see where I end up. I might end up just doing it for the more mundane tasks, but I think I run the risk of making lists for everything again if I start it up at all. It will be interesting to explore.

Before I leave, I want to talk more about why making lists is such a big deal. You might be thinking that I'm taking the fact that I make lots of lists way out of porportion. Maybe you're right.
But I think my need for list makings stems from a couple of issues, including inadequacy and a search for external validation. There's kind of a feeling that I'm not doing enough. That somehow I'm falling behind and falling short. A portion of this feeling is alleviated by putting everything I do down on paper and crossing things out as I accomplish them (Look how much I've done!). This is an issue because I've become incapable of seeing my accomplishments for myself, always looking towards a list or another person for validation. I don't know if that makes sense or not.
Another issue inherent in my list making is that my life becomes a race to see how many things I can cross off. Things cease to be enjoyable, and instead run the risk of becoming mundane tasks that just need to be done. It's like I compartmentalize the joy out of my life.
That's all I have for now.


Aubrey




*Today, while playing that game again, I set a new record of 3180!
**Practicing with my devil's sticks this morning, I beat that by a long shot. New record: 33.

A Day Without a List: An Experiment

I have a tendency to make a lot of lists. In a lot of ways, lists are reasonable, practical, helpful, and encouraging. They carefully outline what I need to do, create, purchase, and accomplish, usually within the time constraint of one day (e.g. a  to-do list created on Thursday should have all of the tasks completed by the end of Thursday). Lists are a resource you can refer to so you can be sure everything is accomplished and not forgotten. They also seem to take a lot of joy out of every day tasks.

Bear with me.
A kind of ironic story:
I picked up a book titled, 'Drive: The Surprising Truth about what Motivates Us," by Daniel H. Pink. The foundation of the book is that a person's main motivator should be internal, rather than external. That is, a person will produce more work of value and do more spectacular things if the root of whatever they do is curiosity, a quest for mastery, and autonomy, as opposed to the carrots and sticks approach so often implemented by parents, teachers, and employers. It's actually a really good book to introduce people to unschooling because it makes you think in an unschooling way without actually talking about unschooling directly.
Anyway, so as this book is making the case that I would accomplish more if I did things in the quest for autonomy, mastery, enjoyment, and curiosity, instead of external indicators of my accomplishments, I've been relying more and more upon daily to-do lists. I really like the feeling I get when I cross something out. It's just very satisfying to check something off, to say I completed a task. I don't just make them for things like scooping cat poo and daily exercise, but for more creative tasks as well: reading for pleasure, reading Tarot cards, playing vocabulary games, etc. I didn't write down a lot of those things in the past, but I added them recently because I figured that it would make me feel better if I got that feeling of satisfaction with things I would do anyway. But then something weird happened. Something I never suspected would occur, even though it's precisely the content of the book I've been reading for the past week:

Several tasks became significantly less enjoyable and slightly stressful. Reading went by slower and I found myself not absorbing information as well, while I found myself performing less creatively and getting lower scores on my vocabulary game.*

So. Last night, as I sat down to make my to-do list for today, I stopped. I'm going to try to go a day with out a to-do list, even for things like scooping poo and daily exercise (shouldn't your exercise of choice be enjoyable anyway?). I'm going to see how it goes. I'm curious to see if I will get anything less accomplished, or if there will simply be more joy within the tasks I do complete.

I'm also going to complete a task suggested by the book. Recording all "noninstrumental tasks," ie: tasks I do for my own enjoyment, rather than work that just needs to be done.
Except I just realized I can't do that today because it is a list. Awkward.






*The vocabulary game is really, really cool. There are three rounds, each with a different prefix. So, round one, you might get "uni", round two you might get "pic", and round three you might get "dis." Your task is to come up with as many words as possible within the minute or so allotted.

Fear: An Interesting Discovery

A lot of the fear I have surrounds interaction with other humans. Other humans can be very intimidating, especially if you spend a hefty portion of your waking hours thinking about how terrible and unskilled you are and how wonderful and skilled everyone else must be. Talking to other people becomes a horrible and daunting task that will inevitably end in spiritual turmoil.

Here is the equation:
Stupidity (me) + Excellence (you) + Desire for conversation (mostly you) = Spiritual turmoil (me) + Disgust (you)

But maybe not. And here comes the discovery: A lot of people are completely content to talk mainly about themselves and their own experiences. There is a good chance they just want you along to listen and provide some occasional input. This relieves a lot of the pressure I have associated with social interaction.

Now the equation reads more like this:
Me + You + You wanting to talk about yourself = An excellent outlet for your rants and expression


Interesting stuff.
However, an issue that this discovery does not address is interaction with shy people, who oftentimes appear more interesting than the more extroverted type. Not necessarily because they are more interesting, but because there's mystery. For example, if I'm chatting with you (extroverted type), I know the things on your mind are: the delights of pistachios, going to your boyfriend's house, and how dumb that professor is.
If I've never heard you speak in my life, you could be thinking about any number of things: how wonderful and beautiful you think I am, the negative effects civilization has upon everyone involved, the kayaking trip you might be planning, when you're going to begin the next novel you want to write, etc.
Although I must admit that pistachios really are delightful, which sounds more interesting to you?
That's right.

As a side note, another method for dealing with fear:
Imagining your audience as fluffy cats. I auditioned for a solo in choir last week, and I was about to panic a little bit, and there was way to many people for me to imagine them all in underwear, so I just imagined them all as my cat, Stuckwell.

Stuckwell!

This is much easier and requires less mental exertion than the underwear trick, because all I have to do is imagine Stuckwell once and then replicate that image 75 times. And really, when your cat is that cute, you should WANT to replicate them that many times. But only in your head. Vet bills might skyrocket otherwise.

Solo and Ensemble or Fear, Part Four

Relatively early this morning, I participated in the Solo and Ensemble competition for all of Northwest Ohio. Solo and ensemble is a musical (both instrumental and vocal) competition for middle school and high school students interested in preparing a song and then performing it as a solo or within an ensemble in front of a judge professionally trained in music who will then give you a rating based on a scale of 1-5 and a sheet of paper containing their comments and criticisms. 1 is the best, 5 is the worst. I go in every year expecting a 1. If I did not consistently get 1s, I would probably not participate. Practicing your butt off to perform a song in front of a judge who will stare at you analytically for four minutes while you attempt to showcase your talents in a small room filled with other people who you may or may not know and then to be given a rating that is supposedly representative of your skill and a sheet of paper critiquing the hell out of everything you just did seems like an incredibly stressful experience to go through if you are not going to have your talent *validated* at the end of it.

Perhaps this is another manifestation of seeking external validation to fill a void that my lack of self-confidence creates. Probably. However, I'm going to make a slightly less introspective post because I would like to talk about a kind of silly piece of advice given to people who are fearful of speaking/performing in front of others: imagining them in their underwear. It really works! Before I go on with my story, let me just say that this judge reminded me of Professor Umbridge from Harry Potter. The really sadistic woman in pink tweed outfits. Although I doubt she was actually a cruel magic professor who tortures students, she had the same face and hair and she was wearing a pink Umbridge outfit, minus the cape. She also had a really unsettling way of staring at you in a way that suggested her smile was not genuine. If you've seen Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, you know what I mean. So, having her stare at me while I sang = stressful experience. I became really stressed part way through the song and I started going flat and loosing breath support. I began to wonder what the hell I was going to do for the last half of the song. And then I did something I've never done before because I thought it was the most ridiculous and unhelpful thing you could possibly offer to a person about to vomit in front of a crowd of 30 people intently watching them: that's right! I imagined the judge (aka Umbridge) in her underwear. I didn't even have time to imagine any details. Just the mental image of her sitting there in satiny pink underthings for one second was enough to get me going again. I smiled a little bit and moved on. Voila!

I'm really pleased with my ability to solve the problem and compose myself enough to finish the song. I even got a 1. I'm not sure if I would have been able to handle such a situation so practically a year ago, so I just wanted to have an illustration of my improvement. That's all.

Aubrey

Fear, Three

I'm going to attempt to chronicle my daily interactions with fear on this blog. I might not have time to post every day, but, time permitting the next day, I will try to smoosh multiple days into one posts. I'm going to record the trouble I had with fear on a given day, analyze it, and present an alternative.

Last night, I had my Women's Studies class. In class, I didn't answer or ask any questions. I didn't make any observations. I didn't talk once. Period. Even if I knew an answer or had valuable insight. Every time I thought about saying something, a fear overcame me that said I had better not do that because I would be wrong and everyone would think I was stupid and my face would get red and I would talk really fast and mess words up because that's what I do sometimes when I'm nervous and then everybody would think I was weird. Because I don't contribute during the class and I don't talk to people before or after class, I feel like this big, ugly lump that just sits on the side of the room being useless. This makes things even worse.

When I got home, I read some posts from the class discussion board and read some emails from the professor. The professor sent emails that she felt would help prepare us for the exam on Thursday. She included some questions posted by students on the discussion board. She did not include any of mine. She responded to one student on discussion board to say that the poster had critical insight, the kind that teachers seek in their students and people seek in themselves. She responded to a couple others to say they had good points she thought they should bring up in class. She did not respond to my posts.

Tomorrow, I have an exam in this class. I'm terrified that I will not have adequate information. I'm terrified that my teacher will think I'm dumb if I get things wrong. I'm terrified that I am one of the only people in the class who doesn't talk to other people. When everyone else chats about the exam and what they thought of it, I will awkwardly bundle up and shuffle out of the room alone.


Sometimes I realize that my fears are irrational and that I jump to incorrect conclusions based on little and/or faulty evidence. In this case, I don't. It seems perfectly reasonable to deduce the things I deduced from the information given. However, for the time being, I'm going to try and assume that all of the negative thoughts I have about myself are incorrect. For that purpose, I'm going to rewrite the above story with the same events taking place, but from a different perspective.

1. The perspective of myself as a moderately confident individual who does not make irrational conclusions about everyone hating her
 Last night, I had my Women's Studies class. I didn't answer or ask any questions for a couple of reasons. Not only was my mind preoccupied with other things, but the conversation seemed inconsequential and didn't seem to contain any really pivotal information. Sometimes I knew answers to questions, and sometimes they were even interesting questions, but I guess I just wasn't in the mood to answer. Sometimes I get shy. I've talked in this class before and brought up good points during class and on discussion board, so I don't think my lack of participation one evening will be of consequence. I haven't really chatted with anyone in the class. I think this has to do with a lot of people already knowing each other and having the fact that they've all attended college for a couple of years in common. There are some seemingly interesting people in the class though, and I think I'll give talking to them a try next week.

When I got home from class, I checked my emails and the class discussion board. The professor had sent emails containing some student posted questions from discussion board. None of my questions were included. There could be multiple reasons behind this. Maybe she missed mine. Maybe she was only sending a couple and didn't have space for mine. Maybe she just doesn't realize how truly spectacular my questions really were. She also didn't comment on any of my questions. The same possibilities apply.

We have an exam tomorrow. I haven't studied much because I'm confident that I know the information necessary to pass. I'm beginning to worry that not studying was a horrible idea, but I have all day tomorrow, so I'm not terribly concerned. All of the exam questions are opinion based. As long as I can back them up with facts, which I'm sure I'll be able to do, I'll be fine. Even if I don't receive a satisfactory grade, that doesn't make me any less of an individual. Besides, there are two more exams for this course, plus weekly assignments, class attendance and participation grades, and extra credit to give my grade a boost if my performance is less than desirable.

Although I had some trouble with being feaful today, I am very tired and need to go to bed. I will try to post about it tomorrow, but if I don't have time, I'll simply skip a day and move on.

Until next time,
Aubrey

Fear, Continued

I think I'm going to make a series of posts based on "The Fear Book: Facing Fear Once and For All" by Cheri Huber. I know it sounds like a silly self-help book that is probably saturated in unhelpful generalizations and a desire for a "perfect" life where you get to make lots of money and date attractive people, but it's not. I've read it before, and I love it. However, last time I read it, I zipped through it and didn't do any of the "assignments" it suggested. I'm going to do them this time and record them in this blog. I'll also share some of my favorite quotes. Lucky you!

This is on page one and two, in a sloppy 16pt font (used throughout the book), and I think it gives a good representation of what the book aims to do:

" In the process presented here for dealing with fear, fear is the hunted, not the hunter. Fear is the quarry you must stalk and confront and unmask, to reveal to yourself that all that separates you from yourself is an illusion...
Fear is not who you are underneath your facade. Fear is not the real you that you must somehow fix or improve or overcome.
Fear is a very useful signal along the path to freedom. The stronger the fear, the closer you are to what you are seeking. If you want to stay "safe" (i.e. stuck where you are), fear tells you to stop what you are doing. But if you want to be free, fear lets you know you are on the right track, it is a signal to push ahead in the same direction, to pick up the pace."

To me, those words are very inspiring. I think a lot of people internalize their fear and begin to identify with it, rather than who they really are. This makes any battle against your fear extremely painful because it becomes a battle against yourself. In me, this can lead to feeling very depressed and hateful towards myself, which is probably not healthy.

.....
On page 8, the author requests that I make a list of all of the things I used to enjoy, but no longer do because they are too scary. This might be similar to my previous list in a lot ways, but, nevertheless, I think it will be helpful
The list:
Chatting with people I don't know
Swimming
Dancing
Chatting with men
Chatting with men I am attracted to
Having serious discussions with people I do not seriously trust
Having discussions with more than one or two people at a time
Voicing opinions and ideas
Trying new things (to some extent)
Doing things by myself
Going to parties
There are also situations that I haven't tried, but have similar qualities to the above situations, and so I am too afraid to try them, such as:

Travel
Going to meetings and classes and workshops

Actually, that's all I can think of right now. I'm sure there's more, but I'm also sure they'll come up later anyway.

Until next time,
Aubrey

Fear

A handful or so of days ago I created a list of things I fear. I thought of some additional things, and discovered something new: tests. Quizzes, tests, pop quizzes, pop tests, anything of the nature. In this particular instance, I got myself terrified and worked up before and after a pop quiz. The fear that came beforehand manifested itself by an increase in heart rate and body temperature and little finnicky questions like, "Did I read the material thoroughly," "Do I know how to spell this and word that," "What if I completely ruin everything and my teacher thinks I'm a complete and utter idiot?" Throughout the quiz (one essay question), I stressed over whether or not I was wording things correctly, whether or not I was providing enough examples and information, and whether or not I was answering the question to satisfaction. In the hours and days after the quiz, as I awaited the next class and the quiz results, I beat myself up a lot because I didn't think I answered the question adequately. I thought I sounded like a complete idiot, made a really bold statement about something being heretical and didn't back it up, and that my teacher was going to loose any of the small amount of respect he had for me and begin to think that I was the most horrible and repulsive person he had ever had the displeasure of teaching.

It turns out I was wrong. I got an A. But because of this intense fear of being considered stupid, I debilitated myself for almost an entire weekend. Although I feel kind of awkward admitting this, I cried multiple times because I was so afraid and so disgusted with myself. I cried when I boiled lasagna noodles and they broke because not only had I failed this stupidly easy quiz, but now I couldn't even boil noodles! Could I do anything right? Did everybody think I was an idiot? 

How do I deal with this problem? If I get enough A's, will my insecurity suddenly disappear? At 5 As, will I begin to respect myself as a human being? At 15, will I develop self-confidence and be brave enough to answer more questions in class? At 30, will all negative self-images evaporate completely? No. Probably not. I think the problem has nothing to do with how well I do in school. It has more to do with not valuing myself as an individual and always looking for external validation for things I do, say, and think. Until I can become more comfortable with myself, my beliefs, values, lifestyle, choices, and actions, I'm always going to be hanging on to whatever somebody in a position of authority has to say about me.

But, it really doesn't matter what my geography teacher thinks about me. If I had received a D on the quiz, it wouldn't have made me any less intelligent. It wouldn't have made me any less of a person. It would not have adversely effected my ability to cook noodles. I still would have been Aubrey, and I still would have been the greatest person you will EVER meet. (Not believing this quite yet, but working on it.)

Things, Feelings, and Experiences I Fear

I'm afraid of a lot of things. Some of them are relatively normal, even a little bit silly: I still call someone else over to transport insects outside or (in a worst case scenario) kill them. Until perhaps a half a year ago, I slept with the hall light on because I was afraid of all of the terrible things that would suddenly materialize upon me extinguishing the lights. Some of my fears distort the way I view and interact with the world to the point that potentially joyful and enriching experiences turn into harrowing tangles with self-loathing on an almost daily basis.

This is a list of some of the things I fear:
Bugs, spiders, insects
The dark
Social interaction
A lack of social interaction leading a life of hermit hood
Being wrong
Trying new things
Having opinions
Being ignored
Being ridiculed
Being challenged
Confrontation
Meeting new people
Large groups of people
Any group of people greater than three or four individuals
Being morbidly obese
People thinking I'm stupid
People thinking I'm ignorant
People thinking I'm ugly
People thinking I'm stupid and ignorant and ugly
Not having any redeeming qualities
Not being funny
Not having good ideas or ideas that are good enough
Being awkward
Not knowing what to say
Unfamiliar places
Big places, cities, and buildings
Being turned down
Not understanding something
Being attracted to someone
Clutter
Unorganized and messy places
Horses
Making guesses
People thinking I'm creepy
Being creepy
Having inadequate amounts of information
People disagreeing with me
The possibility that I've ruined my life
Not going anywhere in life
Not being able to do anything
Putting myself out there
Saying "hello" to people
Introductions (Hi, I'm Ronald. Hi, I'm Rosa. Exchange of pleasantries)
Not having enough skills and talents
Thinking I'm good at something because I might be wrong
People who might pretend to be my friend, but who really think I'm awful
Making small talk
Whatever comes after small talk
Coming out of my "shell"
Coming out of my shell only to find that people don't really think I'm that great
Having lots of responsibilities that don't make me happy
Men, in general
Not finishing the things on my to-do list
Being late
People waiting for me when I'm late
People not wanting to wait for me
Being annoying
Intruding on people
Trusting other people
Receiving compliments because they might not be genuine
People ridiculing me when I'm not around
Being misunderstood
Not being of value
Not being relevant

I want to talk about all of these fears and how they manifest themselves, but I think I'll do that in another post. I primarily want to focus on all of the ones relating directly or indirectly to social interaction. Until next time (probably tomorrow)!

Things I'm Doing Right Now!

I'm taking two classes at Bowling Green State University (BGSU). A Geography class: Native Americans in the U.S. and Canada and a Women's Studies class: Native American Women and Indigenous Issues. They are both 3000 level classes, which makes me feel smart. The level of class I take as an indicator of intelligence is pretty superficial, and may or may not be indicative or anything. However, I think that is the mindset our culture operates within: that every stage and level of learning must be quantifiable, easily classifiable, easily compartmentalized, segregated somehow from the real world. To some extent as well, I see myself falling into some of the old habits I had in school. Measuring myself by the grades someone gives me on a test of their design on a topic for which they spent at least six years studying easily quantifiable, classifiable, compartmentalized texts and classes for. I studiously ignore things that are going on around me in lieu of reading, rereading, taking notes, and quizzing myself over texts. I think the worst habit of all is constantly comparing myself to the other students in my classes: are they more well-informed than I am, do they answer more questions, come up with thoughtful questions that provoke discussion, do they have better grades than I do, I even wonder about how much better looking they are. That being said, I do feel like I'm learning some things in the class. I know, especially in the geography class, that much of what I learn will be forgotten in the course of a couple years, but I'm really pleased with the women's studies class. I like my professor, I like a lot of the discussion, I enjoy reading (but don't necessarily like) the book we're working in, and I like the assignments thus far. Whether or not these classes are an experience that will help me move forward is, I think, debatable, but it was an experience I wanted to try, and I'm going to stick with it until this semester is over.

I'm taking a yoga class once a week. I don't exactly clear my mind, and I definitely do not go into a meditative state, but it is relaxing, it's good exercise, and I'm a lot more flexible than when I started last September!

I take choir at the local, public high school. Not sure how I feel about this. Some good things have come of choir: I take voice lessons from the choir instructor once a week. Sometimes we work on piano pieces as well, but lately we are preparing my song (Se Tu Mami) for the Solo & Ensemble Competition. Kids from this county (and possibly surrounding counties?) prepares songs, perform them in front of judges, and get a rating on a scale of 1-5 and constructive criticism on their performance. I also auditioned for District Honors Choir. High school students from surrounding areas send in an audition tape of themselves singing scales and "My Country Tis of Thee," and are then accepted (or not) into a choir that has two rehearsals and then a big performance at a nice theatre.
Otherwise, this experience mainly reinforces my opinion that schools do not foster growth or learning, but instead teach our youth how to obey authority, that young people are dumb, and adults know everything. Also provides me with lots of examples to illustrate this point to other people. Example: Middle School Principal screaming at a young boy that it is January, the fact that he has not done whatever it was he didn't do is unacceptable, and he just needs to get his act together. Boy trembles and runs away to do whatever it is he's been told to do. Did I mention she did this during lunch hour with all the other students around? Or that she was standing right next to a sign that proclaims this school is a "no bully zone"?

Solo & Ensemble, District Honors Choir

The blacksmithing class at the Toledo Museum of Art starts up again soon! I took some classes last fall, and have been dying to take more. I want to make some stools and a coffee table. Possibly put some patina on the candelabra I made last fall. Possibly not. I'm pretty content with it the way it is. I will post pictures of my projects sometime soon.

I go for a walk everyday. Not a really long walk, just 1 1/3 miles.
Sometimes on these walks I stop at my Grandmother's house and practice piano or help her out. For a little while I was working A LOT with her around the house and she was paying me. Now I am mostly doing little things.
Sometimes on these walks I also stop at an elderly woman's house whose lawn I mowed last summer. I never met her, she or her husband would just drop the payment off at my dad's place of work the next day. Then her husband died this past December, and I started stopping by to spend time with her. Chat. Occasionally help with household chores. Bring her yummy food that my Grandmother, my Mother, and/or I make. She is an incredibly sweet lady, and I cannot even begin to fathom what it must be like to be suddenly alone after being married (and never spending more than a day apart) to someone for over 52 years.

I'm taking care of all the small, domesticated animals that have taken up residence in my house, in the cat shed, in the barn, and in the old chicken coop! Hermann (kitten), Stuckwell (kitten), Milo (cat), Sunny (dog) live with my Mom and me in the house. B.B. and Snowball (cats) usually hang out in the shed. Sprinkle, Whiskers, Wheezy, and Mama Cat (cats) cuddle together on the heated pet pad in the old chicken coop. Spottie and an anonymous stray (cats) live underneath the floorboards in the barn. I think I've learned more taking care of these cats than I could ever learn in a class on veterinary care. I learned how to administer Feline Aids and Leukemia Vaccines on my own. Now instead of catching all of the cats and taking them to the vet (not pleasant), I pick up the shots and vaccines, bring them home, and administer them while the cats eat in the morning (pleasant). I've learned how to treat a plethora of cat illnesses, as well as infected cat bites, and I learned quickly the importance of scooping poop every day. Not every other day. Not a good experience. I also want to experiment with making my own kitty litter from biodegradable materials, so I can throw the poo in the compost, rather than in the trash bin.

I'm organizing and rearranging my house, with the help of my Mother. We have made SO much progress since this time last year. There used to be rooms that were beginning to look like those ones you see on hoarding shows on television. I'm proud to say that those rooms are no more! Our house is well on the way to becoming an extremely pleasant place to live. There is still much that needs to be done, and it is sometimes very stressful, but there is a very noticeable difference from just a few months ago.

I have a Netflix subscription. I watch a lot of documentaries and foreign films. I think it would be cool to make one of my classes on my annual portfolio/transcript/thing, "Feminism in Iranian Film." I've watched only three or so such movies so far, but it seems Netflix has pretty close to a never ending supply. We also got a Roku box. This enables us to instantly stream DVDS. Pretty neat!

I have a lot of subscriptions to online forums, newsletters, and updates (Mother Earth News, Submedia.tv, Ms. Magazine, The Adventures of Urban Scout, Unschoolers Network Ohio, Unschooling Basics, Always Learning, Web MD fitness updates, Global Sister, Crooked Brains, Democracy Now!). I love reading all of the discussions about whole life unschooling and I like getting news updates from Democracy Now!. And I love,love,love,love,love the occasional videos I get from Submedia. There's a show called "It's the End of the World as We Know it, and I Feel Fine." Every time I get one in my mailbox, I die a little bit from having unhealthy levels of happiness.

I read lots of books. Derrick Jensen is my favorite author. I also have a big row of books on my desk (supported by book ends I made myself) that I want to read. They are mostly about anti-civilization, anti-colonialism, feminism, animism, permaculture, and then a few novels by Vonnegut and J.D. Salinger.

I'm eating healthfully! I've made a lot of lifestyle changes in the past few months. I exercise daily, cut back on the baked goods, improved my posture, drink more water, and eat more fruits/veggies. I'm not thinking of this as a diet, but as a change in lifestyle. I have, however, lost 12 lbs. Over the holiday season, by the way.

I'm looking into travel and volunteer opportunities I have for after school ends this year and continued into next year (as an alternative to resuming classes! yay!). It might be cool to do some WWOOF-ing (world wide opportunities on organic farms), visit some intentional communities, and visit some family. In August, I plan on attending the East Tennessee Unschool Summer Camp. I just found an Unschool Adventures writing retreat for National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo) in November in Durango, Colorado. I haven't filled out an application, but I am interested. I also just found out about Zero Tuition College and the Zero Tuition College Pilot Program. People aged 16-23 commit themselves to the program for eight months to see what kind of accomplishments they can achieve not going to college or not going back to college. I've been too nervous to send an email expressing my interest thus far. I'll be working on this in the next couple of days.

A Dissertation on Myself

My name is Aubrey. I'm 17 years old upon writing this. I'm born and raised in a small town in a relatively rural area in Ohio. I consider myself an unschooler, although this hasn't always been the case. My career as a student began with my first year of preschool when I was 4 or 5. I then attended public school until the end of seventh grade, at which point I was 13. Beginning in eighth grade, I went to a private/independent school in Toledo, Ohio. This turned out to mostly be a fiasco, although some good things did come of it. If I didn't attend this private school, I would never have read a book in my sophomore English class about corporate exploitation of children and young adults, and I would never have read the chapter about resistance, and I would never have read the reference to unschooling. I would have never read "The Teenage Liberation Handbook," the book that helped me convince my mother that the world, not school, was the right place for me. I would not have started this blog. I would still be very unhappy. And I probably would still be wearing moderately hideous grandmother dresses from Goodwill. Not good. Not good, at all.

I also probably would not have, or would not understand the views I have on industrial civilization. Especially towards the end of my carreer as a publicly and privately schooled student, I was massively depressed. There were a lot of days when I just felt dead. When any bit of movement, physically or mentally, was a complete drain. I felt awful, and I didn't know why. I was depressed, in large part, because I was living a life that did not make sense to me. In some ways, I still am. But I'm working towards an understanding of a way of life that will not conflict so heavily with my personal values and beliefs. I don't want to always be trapped within a society that values production over life. Or I at least don't want to be so heavily involved in such a society. I think in a lot of ways the feeling of deadness I had was indicative of the mindset recquired to perpetuate industrial civilization (not that of individuals, who largely have no choice as to what culture they live in, but of the culture at large, if that makes sense.) One of the jobs inherent to a society based on industrial civilization is the conversion of the living to the dead (forests become toilet paper, pigs become bacon, rivers and lakes become dump sites for toxic waste), and I think, in a lot of ways, that methodology holds true for the humans in our society. Instead of joyful human beings interacting with the world around them (not just the humans, but the plants, animals, and places surrounding them), we see a lot more people trying to just get by: trying to pay rent, put food on the table, etc. You can still be joyful in a lot of aspects when you're trying to do these things, but I don't think the joy we know is not comparable to that of a person who lives in a symbiotic relationship with their surroundings. Do you?

Being an unschooler and anti-civilization are two of the largest things that shape my identity. There are a bunch of other things as well, and I want to try to talk about these next, along with a general description of what my life looks like right now.

Here it goes:
I'm introverted. This used to borderline on hermithood. It doesn't so much anymore, but sometimes it feels like it.
I struggle a lot with whether or not I am smart enough to do this or that.
I love to organize things.
I have a lot of interest (albeit, many of these interests are unexplored) in permaculture, rewilding, feminism, indigenous cultures and indigenous rights, unschooling, green anarchy, cats, intentional communities, sustainability, and outdoorsy stuff.
There are a lot of other things to mention, but I don't know what, or where to start.

I'm going to put a general description of my life in another post, both because I'm hungry and want to go get food, and because this post is getting long.

The Intent of this Blog

To serve as an avenue of honest self-expression and communication; to get me thinking and writing about the things I do, the things I want to do, the things I'm planning on doing, the things I'm too afraid to try; to get me unstuck; to make myself more comfortable having opinions. No pressure!

But, seriously, I really would like this blog to serve as a kind of motivator and recordkeeping for my journey into discovering and appreciating myself and the world I live in.

*As a side note/question, what is the purpose of capitalizing the letter "i" when used in reference to ourselves? I never thought about this until I wrote that last sentence. It's really bizarre how I can put the word "world" right next to "i," and which do I capitalize? Which is honestly more important? Strange.