Relatively early this morning, I participated in the Solo and Ensemble competition for all of Northwest Ohio. Solo and ensemble is a musical (both instrumental and vocal) competition for middle school and high school students interested in preparing a song and then performing it as a solo or within an ensemble in front of a judge professionally trained in music who will then give you a rating based on a scale of 1-5 and a sheet of paper containing their comments and criticisms. 1 is the best, 5 is the worst. I go in every year expecting a 1. If I did not consistently get 1s, I would probably not participate. Practicing your butt off to perform a song in front of a judge who will stare at you analytically for four minutes while you attempt to showcase your talents in a small room filled with other people who you may or may not know and then to be given a rating that is supposedly representative of your skill and a sheet of paper critiquing the hell out of everything you just did seems like an incredibly stressful experience to go through if you are not going to have your talent *validated* at the end of it.
Perhaps this is another manifestation of seeking external validation to fill a void that my lack of self-confidence creates. Probably. However, I'm going to make a slightly less introspective post because I would like to talk about a kind of silly piece of advice given to people who are fearful of speaking/performing in front of others: imagining them in their underwear. It really works! Before I go on with my story, let me just say that this judge reminded me of Professor Umbridge from Harry Potter. The really sadistic woman in pink tweed outfits. Although I doubt she was actually a cruel magic professor who tortures students, she had the same face and hair and she was wearing a pink Umbridge outfit, minus the cape. She also had a really unsettling way of staring at you in a way that suggested her smile was not genuine. If you've seen Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, you know what I mean. So, having her stare at me while I sang = stressful experience. I became really stressed part way through the song and I started going flat and loosing breath support. I began to wonder what the hell I was going to do for the last half of the song. And then I did something I've never done before because I thought it was the most ridiculous and unhelpful thing you could possibly offer to a person about to vomit in front of a crowd of 30 people intently watching them: that's right! I imagined the judge (aka Umbridge) in her underwear. I didn't even have time to imagine any details. Just the mental image of her sitting there in satiny pink underthings for one second was enough to get me going again. I smiled a little bit and moved on. Voila!
I'm really pleased with my ability to solve the problem and compose myself enough to finish the song. I even got a 1. I'm not sure if I would have been able to handle such a situation so practically a year ago, so I just wanted to have an illustration of my improvement. That's all.
Aubrey
Excellent! so you can see results where you've improved your approach to life in some significant ways. The trick will be to figure out which of your fears are valid cautions and which are anxieties which seem to be mostly based on inexperience. I think your college classes this semester pushes you into challenges you ordinarily don't have opportunity to address.
ReplyDeleteYour courage is inspiring Aubrey. Its exciting knowing you.