I'm going to attempt to chronicle my daily interactions with fear on this blog. I might not have time to post every day, but, time permitting the next day, I will try to smoosh multiple days into one posts. I'm going to record the trouble I had with fear on a given day, analyze it, and present an alternative.
Last night, I had my Women's Studies class. In class, I didn't answer or ask any questions. I didn't make any observations. I didn't talk once. Period. Even if I knew an answer or had valuable insight. Every time I thought about saying something, a fear overcame me that said I had better not do that because I would be wrong and everyone would think I was stupid and my face would get red and I would talk really fast and mess words up because that's what I do sometimes when I'm nervous and then everybody would think I was weird. Because I don't contribute during the class and I don't talk to people before or after class, I feel like this big, ugly lump that just sits on the side of the room being useless. This makes things even worse.
When I got home, I read some posts from the class discussion board and read some emails from the professor. The professor sent emails that she felt would help prepare us for the exam on Thursday. She included some questions posted by students on the discussion board. She did not include any of mine. She responded to one student on discussion board to say that the poster had critical insight, the kind that teachers seek in their students and people seek in themselves. She responded to a couple others to say they had good points she thought they should bring up in class. She did not respond to my posts.
Tomorrow, I have an exam in this class. I'm terrified that I will not have adequate information. I'm terrified that my teacher will think I'm dumb if I get things wrong. I'm terrified that I am one of the only people in the class who doesn't talk to other people. When everyone else chats about the exam and what they thought of it, I will awkwardly bundle up and shuffle out of the room alone.
Sometimes I realize that my fears are irrational and that I jump to incorrect conclusions based on little and/or faulty evidence. In this case, I don't. It seems perfectly reasonable to deduce the things I deduced from the information given. However, for the time being, I'm going to try and assume that all of the negative thoughts I have about myself are incorrect. For that purpose, I'm going to rewrite the above story with the same events taking place, but from a different perspective.
1. The perspective of myself as a moderately confident individual who does not make irrational conclusions about everyone hating her
Last night, I had my Women's Studies class. I didn't answer or ask any questions for a couple of reasons. Not only was my mind preoccupied with other things, but the conversation seemed inconsequential and didn't seem to contain any really pivotal information. Sometimes I knew answers to questions, and sometimes they were even interesting questions, but I guess I just wasn't in the mood to answer. Sometimes I get shy. I've talked in this class before and brought up good points during class and on discussion board, so I don't think my lack of participation one evening will be of consequence. I haven't really chatted with anyone in the class. I think this has to do with a lot of people already knowing each other and having the fact that they've all attended college for a couple of years in common. There are some seemingly interesting people in the class though, and I think I'll give talking to them a try next week.
When I got home from class, I checked my emails and the class discussion board. The professor had sent emails containing some student posted questions from discussion board. None of my questions were included. There could be multiple reasons behind this. Maybe she missed mine. Maybe she was only sending a couple and didn't have space for mine. Maybe she just doesn't realize how truly spectacular my questions really were. She also didn't comment on any of my questions. The same possibilities apply.
We have an exam tomorrow. I haven't studied much because I'm confident that I know the information necessary to pass. I'm beginning to worry that not studying was a horrible idea, but I have all day tomorrow, so I'm not terribly concerned. All of the exam questions are opinion based. As long as I can back them up with facts, which I'm sure I'll be able to do, I'll be fine. Even if I don't receive a satisfactory grade, that doesn't make me any less of an individual. Besides, there are two more exams for this course, plus weekly assignments, class attendance and participation grades, and extra credit to give my grade a boost if my performance is less than desirable.
Although I had some trouble with being feaful today, I am very tired and need to go to bed. I will try to post about it tomorrow, but if I don't have time, I'll simply skip a day and move on.
Until next time,
Aubrey
she didn't comment on every single student, just a couple. others may have more astute insights, but that doesn't make yours unworthy. did you read the student's thoughts. what did they contribute or understand that may give you better insight?
ReplyDeleteAubrey, if she isn't saying anything you're doing fine. I am wondering, though, why you feel you weren't preparing for this class. Is your concern perhaps feeling bad that you could have studied more? Perhaps that guilt is overriding into all your other perceptions?
Well, study...Talking to me won't make you feel any better...probably studying will. I'll talk to you after you get out of class.